But I shouldn't.
That I never knew desire -- that's a myth. I became enlightened, certainly, and freedom from desire was a part of that. But before that -- oh, I desired. *laughs drily* Believe me, I desired my ass off. I was a teenager, what do you expect? Of course I desired.
I was thirteen when I set out from Nazareth to learn what I needed to know to do the work my father had appointed me to. That sounds young, now, I think. But it wasn't then. If we had stayed, we would have been married before long.
We. Biff came with me, of course.
It was nighttime. Biff and I were leaving the next day. Maggie was getting married the next day. That wasn't a coincidence.
We loved her. We both did. And she -- she loved us both, but we both knew that it was me she was in love with.
She told me to meet her in the olive grove near her father's home that night.
I sent Biff in my place. If he had spoken much, she would've known it wasn't me. But -- as I guessed, there wasn't much that was said between them. We were about the same height, the same build. Same hair, of course. In the darkness, she didn't know.
I wanted to be there. I wanted to be there with everything that I was. I spent forty days in the desert, alone, talking to my father, demanding answers. Satan came to me, offered me riches, women, food. Nothing that he offered me made me burn like the thought of Biff and Maggie did. Nothing.
My father would have forgiven me, I imagine. If I'd gone. But I don't know if I'd have forgiven myself. And if I'd gone -- I never would have wanted to leave. Or I wouldn't have left without Maggie. We'd've brought her with us, along the Silk Road, or we'd've stayed, and ruined her wedding. And her father would've gone back to prison...
I would have still become what I had to be, I think. But I would have destroyed Maggie's life. And her family's. And probably Biff's, as well. And I imagine that the three of us -- because that's what I think of, when I think of it, that's what made me burn, not the thought of Maggie alone, but of them both -- oh, that certainly would've been an abomination under the Law. *laughs a little* I'd've been stoned, we all would have. Before I ever got the chance to be what I was meant to be.